Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Third base

A’s third baseman Eric Chavez’s batting average against Yankee starter Randy Johnson is 0.320. But when playing at Oakland, in day games, in the 9th inning, with runners in scoring position, his average against southpaws drops to 0.163! The whole world knew this.

The only person who thought differently was Yankees’ third base coach Larry Bowa. Owed to his bad knees, Bowa typically does not walk all the way back to his dugout between innings. From his seat in the third base foul territory, he frantically began to signal the Yankee dugout, rubbing his behind once, blinking twice, hopping thrice, and wiping the sweat off his forehead. Joe Torre, who plays a hell of a charades, understood the message and ordered his pitching coach, Ron Guidry, to dig up the stats for the situation. In an effort to buy time, Jorge Posada walked up to Johnson and continued their conversation from the previous inning about the badly cooked beef they had had for lunch. “George Costanza is in deep shit", Posada quipped.

As the umpire walked up to break the chit-chat, Guidry approached the mound carrying a #41 long sleeve shirt. He explained that Chavvy's average went up to .400 when pitchers wore short sleeves. A’s manager Ken Macha stood at the footsteps of his dugout and sneered. He knew how to counter the Yankees’ move. According to ESPN, Johnson always starts out 2 balls & no strikes, after changing uniforms in the middle of an inning while facing third basemen. Common knowledge! He signaled Chavez to wait for the third pitch before taking a swing.

Statisticians everywhere were cracking up. They knew that the two managers had forgotten that this was a doubleheader day. Chavez was 0-16 facing lefties on the first game of a doubleheader.

The umpire was impatient because of the hold up. Pressed for time, Johnson changed his clothes right on the mound. Disgusted by the sight of the Big Unit’s hairy torso, Chavez forgot all about Macha’s command and swung at the first pitch. He popped up weakly to the foul territory on the third base side. A-Rod ran a few steps outside the diamond, and while looking up for the ball, failed to notice Larry Bowa standing there. It was Bowa's responsibility to move away from the play, but he was busy dreaming about his promotion after calling a heck of a strategic play. A-Rod collided with Bowa and dropped the ball. Chavez ended up launching the next pitch to the right field stands for a game winning home run.

Bowa’s brainwave had far-reaching consequences. Guidry was sacked for not realizing that it was a doubleheader. Bowa ended up in hospital. A-Rod twisted his ankle and went on a 15-day DL. Posada ended up with food poisoning. Steinbrenner got mad and fired George Costanza for putting them up at a cheap Ramada. Statisticians were disappointed that the perfect 0 for 16 stat had been corrupted. Chavez was benched that night for missing a sign for the third straight game. At the end of the day, Johnson faced the worst of it. He was fined and sent to jail for indecent exposure in front of 35000 fans in broad daylight.

3 Comments:

Blogger Sayee said...

Sooper..Funny read !

I always wondered about STATS... most sports fans believe in STATS when its advantageous to their fav. player or team....If its not ?

They say..its just STATS..thats why we play the game..and crap like that..

IMHO .. STATS area decent indicator of trends..thats all..but one cannot rely on it completely !

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Heavy D said...

Jesus H Christ, Ram, You have waaay too much time on your hands to write stuff like this. I should forward this to Mrs. De Los Reyes. I can only imagine what she would write in your yearly review. You forgot a couple of telling stats. One thing, The Big Unit won't go past 5 innings anymore, they probably would have put Octavio Dotel in, I think that he used to pitch batting practice to Chavez and Chavez could never hit him. Bowa, who used to play for the Stockton A's, would have known that. Another stat you left out, Chavez in day games, in the first half of a double header, against longsleeved pitchers wearing wool thermal underwear that have eaten bad meat that "Cantstandya" purchased usually hits .750

3:03 PM  
Blogger dinesh said...

Really funny that ! But I believe stats is an over used commodity in baseball. I shouldn't be telling you this, because you're the kind that roots for more meaningless stats and obtains a trend where there's none. :)

But the post I thought was real funny ! Good job..

1:17 PM  

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